\u201cDo you think humans can picture themselves here?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think they spend a lot of time pondering about it,\u201d I replied, \u201cEspecially as they get older.\u201d I stretched, taking up more space on the couch. \u201cI wonder what they\u2019d think of this part.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean the Watching of the Loved Ones? I\u2019ll bet even if they can imagine it, they would think about looking in on birthdays and holidays. Especially the Meat Holidays,\u201d he said. A bubble formed on his lip. It shimmered briefly before turning into a full-blown stream of drool.<\/p>\n

I knew that different breeds of people had different Meat Holidays, but I think Mallie and I had only incarnated in North America. He sometimes kidded me that being a retriever was responsible for my choice of the Turkey Day holidays as my favorites.<\/p>\n

[bctt tweet=”I knew that different breeds of people had different Meat Holidays, but I think Mallie and I had only incarnated in North America.” username=”AndreaPatten”]<\/p>\n

My mind drifted from the Meat Holidays to my favorite episodes. I would watch them again and again if I could. And, camped out here in Eternity, this was not such a far-fetched idea, was it?<\/p>\n

\u201cJones?\u201d<\/p>\n

Apparently, I\u2019d missed a question from my bestie.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was lucky. Our bond was strong, and I had seen many moments of her life. I watched her flash her girlie parts while she pointed and stared at the south pole of her favorite boy. I knew she always stood up for smaller kids, tried to help stray animals, liked vanilla ice cream and wasn\u2019t quite right unless there was a dog nearby. But my favorite moment? Mally knew, and he wanted me to keep it firmly in mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell it again, \u201c he insisted.<\/p>\n

As much as Bethany loved her Grandma, her first reaction to moving in was much as it had been each time she\u2019d gone into a stranger\u2019s house. Quiet. Cooperative but wary. She didn\u2019t sleep much but, unlike other little ones her age, didn\u2019t complain about it either. She watched the world around her. I always thought she was looking for me, so I was grateful to have a collie… a colleague on the ground with her. I saw my girl make friends with Grandma\u2019s dog and sneak extra food to share. I was a little jealous but happy to see a fellow dog do a good job. And my girl? She was better off with him there.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a regular day in the middle of the week,\u201d I started.<\/p>\n

Mal looked at me expectantly, vibrating like he was about to go for a ride in a cop car.<\/p>\n

\u201cBethany, her Grand, and The Collie had just finished dinner…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd???\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Bethany went to her room to play with a book,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why is that your favorite?\u201d my dear friend asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause she didn\u2019t take food from the table to hide in her room,\u201d I said softly. \u201cShe had started to believe she would be fed every single day. She felt a little safer and, soon after? She stopped crying into The Collie.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mallie and I were quiet, appreciating the enormity of the event.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat Collie\u2019s a good one… but still I think I could have stopped her from biting that Bienemann kid.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi, my name is Lazarus Jones, and I\u2019m a dog. Actually, I used to be a dog. Now I\u2019m a dead dog. (I know, happy holidays, right? Sorry.) And, yes, I\u2019m talking to you from the other side. Apparently, some people don\u2019t like to read books about dogs because in the book we always die. Well, duh. Newsflash: our species doesn\u2019t live as long as yours. Sorry. I don\u2019t mean to sound rude, but I don\u2019t like hearing that. After all, if that\u2019s logical then so is the idea that people shouldn\u2019t \u201cget\u201d dogs. Or, that we shouldn\u2019t eat cookies because, unless you\u2019re a labberdog, at some point you gotta stop. There are lots of things in humanish that still baffle me… that\u2019s why I decided to write this book. What? A dead dog writing a book? How can that be? Actually, it\u2019s pretty simple. In my case, once I got here, I got turned into a moose. Oh, wait… that\u2019s not the right word. Muse. That\u2019s it. That means I can put stories into humans, or at least into one particular human. Cool, huh? Here\u2019s the thing. It is true that humans outlive their dogs and, believe you me, we are deeply sorry for that. In fact, several of us are circulating a petition to Dog Almighty to see if we can get that clause changed. In the meantime, we\u2019re all stuck with the way it is. Those of you who are very fluent in doggish know this: that the one-way trip to the veterinarian is not always the end. Some of us have figured out how to stay with you and a few of you are learning how to notice the messages we send. You need to find out more about this. But first? People keep asking how I got here. [bctt tweet=”Those of you who are very fluent in doggish know this: that the one-way trip to the veterinarian is not always the end.” username=”AndreaPatten”] At first, when the police and the lady with the papers came to save my baby human from the drug house, I was happy all over\u2026 until I realized they weren\u2019t going to let me go with her. When they said \u201canimal control\u201d\u2026 I took a deep breath, pushed past them and bolted as fast as I could, directly into the path of a fast moving vehicle. I knew the driver wouldn\u2019t be able to stop and I\u2019d be on my way back to my baby much sooner this way. Remember those churches that did all that hateful stuff and said Dog Almighty told them to do it? Ever since then, it has been against the rules for us to give out too many details but, I’ll do my best. Meeting the Minder Dogs When I got to the other side, the first order of business was to meet with one of the Minder Dogs to get sorted. Oh. I forgot. If you\u2019re reading this, you\u2019re probably a human, and you might be worried about sorting. Don\u2019t. There\u2019s no wrong way to connect with Dog Almighty, and there\u2019s no hot, torture place that\u2019s any worse than a Florida theme park in July. Sorting puts us in the right classes so we can be more effective if we\u2019re lucky enough to get another ride on the earthy-go-round. The Minder Dog looked at my record and sighed. \u201cWow. Advanced Decision-Making and Intermediate Impulse Control. It looks like you had decent grades in both of those courses — until the final exam.\u201d So she paired me up with Mally. The last time he had a body he was working as a police dog. Maybe that\u2019s why he asked so many questions. Me, Mally, and the Meat Holidays \u201cDo you think humans can picture themselves here?\u201d he asked. \u201cI think they spend a lot of time pondering about it,\u201d I replied, \u201cEspecially as they get older.\u201d I stretched, taking up more space on the couch. \u201cI wonder what they\u2019d think of this part.\u201d \u201cYou mean the Watching of the Loved Ones? I\u2019ll bet even if they can imagine it, they would think about looking in on birthdays and holidays. Especially the Meat Holidays,\u201d he said. A bubble formed on his lip. It shimmered briefly before turning into a full-blown stream of drool. I knew that different breeds of people had different Meat Holidays, but I think Mallie and I had only incarnated in North America. He sometimes kidded me that being a retriever was responsible for my choice of the Turkey Day holidays as my favorites. [bctt tweet=”I knew that different breeds of people had different Meat Holidays, but I think Mallie and I had only incarnated in North America.” username=”AndreaPatten”] My mind drifted from the Meat Holidays to my favorite episodes. I would watch them again and again if I could. And, camped out here in Eternity, this was not such a far-fetched idea, was it? \u201cJones?\u201d Apparently, I\u2019d missed a question from my bestie. \u201cHuh?\u201d \u201cRemember the time we watched your girl Bethany bite that kid on the playground? I forget… Why\u2019d she do that?\u201d He knew. He was just trying to help me focus. \u201cIt was right after she got \u2018dopted, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d Mally asked, bonking me with his muzzle. \u201cYeah. She was so excited about being furever with her Grandma that she bounced and yapped like a terrier, didn\u2019t she?\u201d We both grinned. I continued. \u201cThen Connor Bienemann from the 3rd grade made fun of her. Said Grandma wasn\u2019t a real parent and that her \u2018doption was just a longer foster placement.\u201d \u201cShe shoulda bit him harder. And maybe on the neck,\u201d said the former K-9. \u201cI still can\u2019t believe they quarantined her for such a small bite.\u201d \u201cI know, I know. We sporting dogs are soft on crime.\u201d I laughed a little. \u201cBesides, it wasn\u2019t quarantine, silly. I think it\u2019s called the pal\u2019s office.\u201d Remembering the connection to my person was helping me feel a little less homesick. Mal had one more question for me. \u201cWhich time is your favorite?\u201d he asked softly. \u201cWhich one made you most grateful we have the Watching of the Loved Ones?\u201d A Different Kind of Celebration I was lucky. Our bond was strong, and I had seen many moments of her life. I watched her flash her girlie parts while she pointed and stared at the south pole of her favorite boy. I knew she always stood up for smaller kids, tried to help stray animals, liked vanilla ice cream and wasn\u2019t quite right unless there was a dog nearby. But my favorite moment? Mally knew, and he wanted me to keep it firmly in mind. \u201cTell it again, \u201c he insisted. As much as Bethany loved her Grandma, her first reaction to moving in was much as it had been each time she\u2019d gone into a stranger\u2019s house. Quiet. Cooperative but wary. She didn\u2019t sleep much but, unlike other little ones her age, didn\u2019t complain about it either. She watched the world around her. I always thought she was looking for me, so I was grateful to have a collie… a colleague on the ground with her. I saw my girl make friends with Grandma\u2019s dog and sneak extra food to share. I was a little jealous but happy to see a fellow dog do a good job. And my girl? She was better off with him there. \u201cIt was a regular day in the middle of the week,\u201d I started. Mal looked at me expectantly, vibrating like he was about to go for a ride in a cop car. \u201cBethany, her Grand, and The Collie had just finished dinner…\u201d \u201cAnd???\u201d \u201cAnd Bethany went to her room to play with a book,\u201d I said. \u201cAnd why is that your favorite?\u201d my dear friend asked. \u201cBecause she didn\u2019t take food from the table to hide in her room,\u201d I said softly. \u201cShe had started to believe she would be fed every single day. She felt a little safer and, soon after? She stopped crying into The Collie.\u201d Mallie and I were quiet, appreciating the enormity of the event. \u201cThat Collie\u2019s a good one… but still I think I could have stopped her from biting that Bienemann kid.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14230,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,2,3],"tags":[],"post_folder":[],"class_list":["post-12659","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dog-wisdom","category-fiction","category-happiness"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12659","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12659"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12659\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15256,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12659\/revisions\/15256"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14230"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12659"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12659"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12659"},{"taxonomy":"post_folder","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreapatten.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_folder?post=12659"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}